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That Time I Failed at Life.

February 26, 2013 - Author: Amy - 28 Comments

Remember that time that Kansas was under literal feet of snow when we were supposed to be moving out and I almost starved to death

The saga continues.

So there I was, home alone, minding my own business because like a genius I’d already cancelled the satellite and didn’t have anything to do BUT mind my business when I heard the sound of footsteps on the front porch.  I froze, half terrified it was a zombie, half hopeful it was Meals on Wheels.

I froze, because I knew I’d been spotted.  See?

houseyglass

And reality was so much worse than zombies.  It was a dude in a ski mask.  Legit.  Like that scene in Fargo.

But my momma raised a lady with manners, so like an idiot I answered the door.  He was actually very nice and apologetic about his appearance.

Masked stranger/likely murderer: “I know I must look like a monster, but wanted to offer to plow your driveway.”

Me: “NO!” ~slams door, runs away and hides under covers~

Where was my trusty sidekick/protector?  The people want to know.

trees 028Judas.

 Saturday was my poor husband’s birthday.  Before admitting that I had neither a gift or a card for him, I feel it necessary to remind you that I’d been snowed in for DAYS, almost starved, had a near-murdered experience, and also suffered from boredom due to lack of HGTV.

Somehow none of those things stopped my mom (that shower-upper) from making him his favorite treat – a sour cream raisin pie. 

birthdayboy

Some of my favorite FB comments after sharing this picture: “Did your mom make him the sun?!”, “Do sour cream raisin pies normally glow in the dark?”, “He must be older than he looks because that pie is on FIAH!”.

To thank them for celebrating his birthday so sweetly, we kicked them out of their bedroom and moved into it.  Then D left for Texas for two weeks.  ~le weep~

Junior is bunking with me for the duration and nap time in the transition has proved… tricky.

nap What’s this?  Delicious mints grandma left on all our pillows?

nap2

Don’t mind if I do… 

nap3 I know mom almost starved to death this week, but let’s be honest, the last thing those hips need is chocolate.

nap4

The look of sweet victory.

D?  Lack of birthday festivities on my part in no way reflect my feelings towards you.  I still think you’re the bees knees and I’ve got some big impressive birthday plans in the cooker for when you get back – hopefully sans snow.  Miss you and love you!

Signed,

Wifey of the Year

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Categories: Critters, Home Building - Tag: , ,

Discussion (28 Comments)

  1. hahaha. I kind of can’t believe that guy at the door didn’t take the ski mask off.

    Glad you didn’t starve to death! I can’t live without this Buffalo Roam comedy.

  2. by Charlene
    Reply

    Happy Birthday Dallas. Amy Im so glad you werent murdered! You could have came to my house and watched HGTV :-( we coulda had some wine. Im gonna miss you guys. Dallas was such a breath of fresh air for Meriden. I truely wish you all the best of luck and Im sure you will be happy wherever you are. Dont forget to hit me up next time BLS comes to KC I WANT to go with you guys!! O

  3. by Karen Miner
    Reply

    Love it as usual! You always make my day!

  4. OH MY GOSH! I would have been freaking out! Holy cow!

    I’m glad you didn’t starve to death or get murdered, plus I’m sure D forgives you ;)

  5. by Sara
    Reply

    I saw my quote in there!! Does that make me semi-famous? I would have totally pretended I didn’t hear the door and then gradually slunk to the floor. I’m sure D’s super cool about the birthday postpone.

  6. Seriously, taking the ski mask off might have helped. Your life makes me laugh. In an “I love that girl” sort of way. Sour cream raisin pie sounds disgusting, even if your helluva cook mom made it. And I’m sure D won’t mind postponing whatever you have planned. ;) Hang in there!

  7. It’s cool. We have nothing to eat here because I hate grocery shopping and haven’t been in weeks. At least you have an excuse!

  8. Oh my gosh, the story of the front door would have freaked me out. I watch The Following and it has turned me into a freak about strangers. I don’t even open my door anymore. I’m quite the hospitable lady.

  9. I hate answering the door in the best of times. And people can’t see me. I probably would have froze in my position and not moved and hoped he went away. If that didn’t work I may have slowly sunk down onto the floor haha. I’m a genius.

    I’m sure D still enjoyed his birthday. He should be understanding- you had been through a lot! ;)

  10. You are one funny chick. Your posts always crack me up, I live for each joke. Although those cake comments rival your humor.

    Bliss

  11. The snow-masked-man-no-curtains is like a movie! EKK. So much going on, I think you need celebrations yourself, birthday or not!

  12. by Mommers
    Reply

    Next time, forget the manners I taught. Run, hide, don’t answer door! *skeert face*

  13. by Reilly@JourneyNorth
    Reply

    AH! There is no way I would have answered the door. No Way. I don’t normally answer the door when I am home alone anyways, a mysterious masked man wouldn’t stand a chance. yikes.

  14. Bahahahahaha! Thank you for that extremely amusing post, because quite frankly, I needed it! You really know how to tell a story…and I am very happy you survived the arrival of a masked murderer on your doorstep. I probably would have peed myself and not been able to answer the door. You are much nicer/braver than me haha.

  15. Sounds like you have had quite the eventful last few days. I can’t even believe it. I would have FREAKED OUT at the ski mask guy!!

  16. I don’t think I would have been brave or nice enough to answer the door. It definitely would have scared me half to death.

  17. by Amy
    Reply

    I maybe should have thought about what I was doing a little more… ;)

  18. Lol– way to go, Bill. Cute free-loader, you. #worthless
    Hope the snow is melting so you can get to work on those birthday plans– better late than never is my motto!
    Xo Heidi

  19. OMG! I am glad he wasn’t a murderer!!
    And mints on your pillow?! How great are your folks?

  20. Oh … I had forgot leaves you mints. Wrap them up for D. ;)

  21. I wouldnt have even answered the door to a dude in a ski mask!! BRAVE LADY

  22. OMG I think I would’ve hid in the closet with the gun! Your mom is the coolest. :)

  23. You kill me.

  24. by Anne
    Reply

    My dad is THAT GUY. The one who drives up to your house and then (with grizzled beard and everything) offers to plow driveways. THE NERVE. Or sometimes he just does it without asking. *shakes head*

    • Bahaha! My dad is that guy too! He just does drives around town on his tractor and plows people out (he doesn’t ask for money or anything), but he always has on a camo ski mask and coveralls!

  25. Happy Birthday D!

    Your ski mask door incident is terrifying but it reminded me of this commercial: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fuijhUn0pk

    Hope you find it as funny as I do ;)

  26. PS. If D needs anything while in Dallas let me know!

  27. hahaha that poor murderer. If only he’d known about your yearning for Meals on Wheels. Happy birthday to your hubby!

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